Hog on Logon Rug Clip Art Black and White
Editors' annotation: This article was get-go published in impress in 1994. This digitized version has since been updated to remove offensive lines. A version of this article appears in our 2019 'Love Letters to Texas' collector's effect.
Common as cornbread, quondam as clay, funny as all get-out—homespun expressions link modern Texans to our rural and agronomical past, conveying the resolute spirit and plainspoken humor of our heroes and pioneers. Some sayings are instantly familiar because our parents or grandparents quoted them; others parallel the indisputable wisdom of biblical proverbs or Poor Richard's Almanac; plenty just make united states of america laugh. We asked twelve renowned artists to illustrate their favorite Texas sayings, and we nowadays as well a sample of other axioms and adages common to the land—a collection of sayings as big every bit all hell and one-half of Texas.
Acceptable
Information technology's improve than a poke in the eye with a sharp stick.
That's close enough for regime work.
Might as well. Can't dance, never could sing, and it's too wet to plow.
I could sit withal for that.
You tin't beat that with a stick.
Exhibitionistic
He can strut sitting down.
He's all hat and no cattle.
She's all gurgle and no guts.
He chamber-of-commerced it.
Dishonest
He's on a first-name basis with the bottom of the deck.
Then crooked that if he swallowed a smash he'd spit up a corkscrew.
So kleptomaniacal you can't tell from his tracks if he's coming or going.
He knows more ways to take your money than a roomful of lawyers.
Crooked as a canis familiaris's hind leg.
Kleptomaniacal as the Brazos.
Slicker than a slop jar.
More twists than a pretzel factory.
Crooked every bit a barrel of fish hooks.
And so crooked he has to unscrew his britches at dark.
She'southward more slippery than a pocketful of pudding.
He'southward slicker than a boiled onion.
I wouldn't trust him any farther than I can throw him.
Honest
If that ain't a fact, God'southward a possum.
You can accept that to the bank.
You can hang your hat on information technology.
You tin bet the farm on information technology.
He's so honest you lot could shoot craps with him over the telephone.
If I say a hen dips snuff, you lot tin look nether her fly for the tin can.
Brave
Brave as the first human being who ate an oyster.
Brave equally a bigamist.
Brave enough to eat in a boomtown cafe.
He's double-backboned.
He'south got more guts than you lot could hang on a fence.
He'd shoot craps with the devil himself.
She'd accuse hell with a bucket of ice h2o.
Argumentative, Mad
She could commencement a fight in an empty house.
He'd argue with a wooden Indian.
She raised hell and stuck a clamper nether it.
He'due south the only hell his mama ever raised.
He'southward got his tail upward.
She's in a horn-tossing mood.
She'south and then contrary she floats up-stream.
She'southward dancing in the squealer trough.
He'll tell you how the moo-cow ate the cabbage.
Timid
He stays in the shadow of his mama's apron.
If he was melted downwardly, he couldn't exist poured into a fight.
He's first cousin to Moses Rose.
He wouldn't bite a beige.
He's yellowish as mustard but without the bite.
He may not be a chicken, simply he has his henhouse ways.
Dry
So dry the birds are edifice their nests out of barbed wire.
So dry the catfish are carrying canteens.
So dry the copse are bribing the dogs.
Then dry my duck don't know how to swim.
Information technology's been dry so long, nosotros only got a quarter-inch of rain during Noah'due south Flood.
And so dry I'm spitting cotton fiber.
Dry equally a pulverisation firm.
Dry as the center of a haystack.
Drier than a popcorn fart.
Busy
He's and so busy you'd think he was twins.
They're doing a land-office business.
Busy as a one-legged man at an ass-kicking convention.
Busy as a funeral habitation fan in July.
Busy every bit a one-eyed domestic dog in a smokehouse.
Decorated equally a i-armed paperhanger.
Busy every bit a stump-tailed bull in fly season.
Decorated as a hound in flea season.
Got to slop the hogs, dig the well, and plough the south 40 before breakfast.
Got to get back to my rat killing.
She'southward jumping like hot grease (or water) on a skillet.
Panting like a lizard on a hot stone.
No grass growing under her feet.
Unsophisticated
Just fell off the turnip (watermelon, tater) truck.
He's so land he thinks a seven-grade repast is a possum and a six-pack.
They lived and so far out in the country that the sun set between their business firm and town.
Capable, Experienced
She's got some snap in her garters.
He's got plenty of arrows in his quiver.
She's got horse sense.
He'southward got enough of notches on his gun.
She'south a right smart windmill fixer.
He could observe a whisper in a cyclone.
There's no slack in her rope.
He's a three-jump cowboy.
He can ride the rough string.
If she crows, the sun is up.
This ain't my kickoff rodeo.
General Advice
Pigs get fatty; hogs go slaughtered.
A worm is the just animal that tin't autumn down.
Never sign naught past neon.
Just because a chicken has wings don't mean it can fly.
Continue your saddle oiled and your gun greased.
You can't become lard unless you boil the sus scrofa.
If you cut your own firewood, it'll warm you twice.
At that place's more than ane way to break a domestic dog from sucking eggs.
Give me the bacon without the sizzle.
Don't hang your wash on someone else'southward line.
Do God'south volition, any the hell it may be.
Lick that dogie again? (Say what?)
Why shear a grunter?
Don't snap my garters.
A guilty fox hunts his ain pigsty.
Quit hollering down the rain.
Don't rile the wagon principal.
Better to go along your rima oris shut and seem a fool than to open it and remove all doubt.
The barn door's open and the mule's trying to run. (Your fly'southward downward.)
Don't go all het up about information technology.
There'due south a big deviation between the ox and the whiffletree.
There's no tree only bears some fruit.
Peel your own buffalo.
You better throw a sop to the dogs.
Don't squat on your spurs.
Any mule'south tail tin take hold of cockleburs.
A drought commonly ends with a flood.
If you lot lie down with dogs, you go upwardly with fleas.
A lean dog runs fast.
The apple tree doesn't fall far from the tree.
Celebratory
Permit'southward shoot out the lights.
We'll paint the town and the front porch.
Let's hallelujah the county.
Put the little pot in the big pot.
Throw your hat over the windmill.
I'll be there with bells on.
I'll wear my Sunday-go-to-meeting apparel.
He's all gussied up.
Big
Fat as a boardinghouse true cat.
Fatty as a town canis familiaris.
She's warm in winter, shady in summer.
He don't care what you call him as long as y'all telephone call him to supper.
So large he looks like he ate his brother.
And so big he has to sit down in shifts.
Large as Brewster County.
Big every bit Dallas.
Big equally a Brahma bull.
She'd rather shake than rattle.
He's big enough to bear chase with a branch.
He's all spread out like a cold supper.
Wide as ii ax handles.
He'll swallow anything that don't swallow him kickoff.
Cheap
Tight as Dick's hatband.
Tight as a tick.
Tight every bit a clothesline.
Tight as a fiddle string.
Tight as wallpaper.
Tight every bit a wet boot.
Tight plenty to enhance a blister.
So tight he squeaks when he walks.
He'll clasp a nickel till the buffalo screams.
She has short arms and deep pockets.
Crazy
He's got a big hole in his screen door.
She's one bubble off plumb.
She'south one brick shy of a load.
She's two sandwiches short of a picnic.
He's a few pickles short of a barrel.
There'due south a low-cal or 2 burned out on his cord.
He's missing a few buttons off his shirt.
The porch lite's on merely no one's home.
He'southward lost his vertical hold.
He's overdrawn at the memory bank.
I hear you clucking, only I tin't observe your nest.
She'due south got too many cobwebs in the attic.
Crazy as a bullbat.
Crazy equally Larrabee's dogie.
Lucky
He could draw a pat hand from a stacked deck.
He ever draws the best bull.
He'south riding a gravy train with beige wheels.
He could sit on the debate and the birds would feed him.
Rich
In alpine cotton.
Running with the big dogs.
He didn't come to town two to a mule.
She's got more than than she tin say grace over.
So rich they can eat fried chicken all week long.
Rich enough to eat her laying hens.
Poor
If a trip around the world cost a dollar, I couldn't go to the Oklahoma line.
He's so bankrupt he's disrepair all Ten Commandments.
Poor every bit a lizard-eating cat.
Hasn't got a pot to pee in or a window to throw it out of.
Then poor I had a tumbleweed as a pet.
I ate so many armadillos when I was young, I still scroll up into a ball when I hear a dog bark.
So poor we had to fertilize the sills before we could enhance the windows.
Poor every bit sawmill rats.
He's broke as a stick horse.
He's also poor to pay attention.
So poor the wolf won't even stop at their door.
Then poor their Sunday supper is fried water.
Too poor to paint, too proud to whitewash.
Hot
Hot every bit Hades.
Hot every bit the hinges (or hubs) of hell.
Hot as a depot stove.
Hot as a 2-dollar pistol.
Hot every bit a billy goat in a pepper patch.
Hot as a summer revival.
Hot every bit a pot of cervix bones.
Hot as a stolen tamale.
Hot plenty to fry eggs on the sidewalk.
Hotter than whoopee in woolens.
Hotter than a honeymoon hotel.
Hotter than a burning stump.
Hotter than blue blazes.
Hotter than a fur glaze in Marfa.
And so hot the hens are laying hard-boiled eggs.
Common cold
This is sus scrofa-killing atmospheric condition.
There's only a strand of barbed wire between here and there, and it's down (subsequently a blizzard).
Cold as a well-digger's knee.
Cold every bit a frosted frog.
Cold as an ex-wife's heart.
Cold equally a bandage-iron commode.
Cold as a banker'due south middle.
Cold as hell with the furnace out.
Sad
I feel lower than a gopher hole.
I experience so low I couldn't bound off a dime.
She eats sorrow past the spoonful.
You look similar you lot were sent for and couldn't go.
Sad enough to bring a tear to a glass center.
He looks like the cheese fell off his cracker.
Minor, Thin
She'due south frying size.
He'south knee-high to a grasshopper.
He'd have to stand up upward to look a rattler in the eye.
About equally big as the petty finish of nothing.
Half as big as a minute.
No bigger than moles on a chigger.
Scrawny equally Ace Reid cattle.
Nothing between the horns and hooves just hide.
Thin as a bar's ear.
Thin every bit a gnat's whisker.
Thin every bit shop-bought thread.
Thin as Depression soup.
Thin as a fiddle string.
Thin as a rake and twice as sexy.
Flat as a fritter.
Deficient-hipped.
So skinny she has to stand twice to brand a shadow.
So skinny yous could give her a Large Ruddy and utilize her as a thermometer.
And so skinny she shades herself under the clothesline.
Bad, Mean
He'southward such a liar he'd beat out y'all senseless and tell God you lot fell off a horse.
He was born sorry.
He's so low he'd steal the widow's ax.
He'd steal his mama'due south egg money.
He'd steal the flowers off his grandma's grave.
He'd steal the nickels off a dead man'south eyes.
No-account swain.
Bitter as gall.
Tough as nickel steak.
Tough as stewed skunk.
Tough as whang.
Mean equally a mama wasp.
Friendly as a brier bush.
She makes a hornet wait cuddly.
A she-carry in satin.
Rough as a cob.
He looks similar a sheep-killing dog.
He lies like a tombstone.
He wouldn't scratch his own mama'southward fleas.
He'southward got horns holding upward his halo.
Nosotros're non on borrowing terms.
You're and then depression y'all have to await up to see hell.
He'due south so low you lot couldn't put a rug under him.
He jumped on me with all four feet.
A existent revolving son of a bitch.
Fast
He jumped on me like a duck on a June problems.
He jumped on me similar white on rice.
He can blow out the lamp and leap into bed before it gets dark.
He gets there in one-half less than no time.
Quick out of the chute.
Fast as greased lightning.
Fast equally minor-town gossip.
Faster than a prairie fire with a tail wind.
Faster than a scalded true cat.
Faster than double-struck lightning.
Faster than a sneeze through a screen door.
Going like a business firm afire.
Hell-aptitude for leather.
Any faster and he'd catch up to yesterday.
In a New York minute.
Strong
His breath'southward so strong yous could hang out the washing on it.
That java's and so strong it'll put hair on your chest.
Coffee so potent information technology'll walk into your cup.
Coffee so strong it'll heighten a blood blister on a boot.
He's so strong he makes Samson look sensitive.
Inflow/Greetings
Look what the cat dragged in.
Company'southward coming; add together a cup of water to the soup.
Nosotros've howdied but we haven't shook.
Put on your sitting britches.
Let's chaw the rag.
Deviation/Good-bye
Allow's low-cal a shuck.
It'southward time to rut up the bricks.
It's time to put the chairs in the wagon.
Information technology'due south time to swap spit and hit the route.
It's time to put out the fire and call in the dogs.
He's heading for the wagon thou.
Let's blow this popular stand.
That about puts the rag on the bush.
Church is out.
That's all she wrote.
Patience
Hot will cool if greedy volition allow it.
Take a potato and wait.
Don't get your panties in a wad.
Launder off your war paint.
Tired
Looks like she's been chewed up, spit out, and stepped on.
Looks like she was rode hard and put away moisture.
She looks like chewed twine.
He looks like Bowser's bone.
I was born tired and I've since suffered a relapse.
Ane wheel down and the axle dragging.
I'm near well-nigh past going.
Sick
He's got a hitch in his gitalong.
Sick equally a dog passing peach pits.
All stove upwardly.
I'm and then ill I'd take to become meliorate to dice.
Sore as a boil.
Her hopper's disrepair.
Equally total of pains as an quondam window.
I've got the green apple nasties.
He looks like death warmed over.
So sick he needs two beds.
Pitiful as a three-legged dog.
Talkative
He could talk the legs off a chair.
He could talk the gate off its hinges.
He could talk the hibernate off a cow.
He could talk the ears off a mule.
He shoots off his oral cavity so much he must eat bullets for breakfast.
He'south got a 10-gallon mouth.
She speaks ten words a second, with gusts to 50.
Her tongue is plumb tuckered.
She's got tongue enough for ten rows of teeth.
She beats her ain gums to death.
He blew in on his own wind.
He's a live dictionary.
He's a chin musician.
She has a bell clapper instead of a tongue.
He was vaccinated with a Victrola needle.
Nervous
All cut up like a boardinghouse pit.
Grinning like a mule eating cockleburs.
Nervous as a pregnant jenny.
Nervous every bit a wing in the glue pot.
Nervous equally a woodshed waiter.
She's chewing her bit.
Caution
You were too hard to raise to accept chances.
Don't dig up more than snakes than you tin can kill.
Whistle before yous walk into a stranger's camp.
Don't plow also shut to the cotton.
A dead snake can still bite.
A dead bee tin can still sting.
Don't tip over the outhouse.
Putdowns
Even a blind grunter can discover an acorn one time in a while.
Anytime you happen to pass my house, I'd certain appreciate it.
What did yous practice with the money your mama gave you for singing lessons?
Were you raised in a barn?
Put that in your pipe and smoke information technology.
Even the chickens under the porch know that.
Y'all scent like yous want to be left alone.
Go peddle your own produce.
Get cork your pistol.
If you break your leg, don't come up running to me.
Any greases your wagon.
Problem
Got a big hole in the debate.
I got my ox in a ditch.
He loaded the wrong carriage.
They hung the wrong equus caballus thief.
He ripped his britches.
In that location's a yellowjacket in the outhouse.
Wasting Time
Preaching to the choir.
Burning daylight.
Arguing with a wooden Indian.
Whistling upwardly the wind.
Hollering downward a well.
Vain
He broke his arm patting himself on the back.
He thinks the sun comes up simply to hear him crow.
I'd like to buy him for what he'due south worth and sell him for what he thinks he'll bring.
She'southward so spoiled table salt couldn't relieve her.
She'southward and then spoiled she expects spoon-feeding.
Boozer/Drinking
He wasn't born, but squeezed out of a bartender'south rag.
Drunker than who shot John.
Snot-slinging drunk.
Drunk as Cooter Brown.
Boozer as a skunk.
Don't chop whatsoever wood this evening; Daddy's coming home with a load.
Tighter than bawl on a log.
I've got the whistlebelly thumps and skull cramps. (A hangover.)
Calling for Earl. (Throwing up.)
Jugging and jawing.
Commode-hugging, knee-walking drunk.
Desolate
Looks like hell with anybody out to tiffin.
Out where the buses don't run.
Dead
Buzzard bait.
He gave up his guitar for a harp.
He ate a bitter pill.
Unwelcome
Equally welcome every bit an egg-sucking dog.
As welcome every bit an outhouse breeze.
As welcome every bit screwworm.
As welcome every bit a porcupine at a nudist colony.
As welcome as a skunk at a backyard party.
As welcome every bit a wet shoe.
As welcome as a tornado on a trail drive.
Like shooting fish in a barrel
No colina for a stepper.
Slick as a whistle.
Like shooting fish in a barrel as pie.
Hard
Similar trying to bag flies.
Like putting socks on a rooster.
Easy as pissing upward a rope.
Failure
He blames everything on the weather condition or his raising.
He got defenseless in his ain loop.
He came shut to the dollar knife.
Smart
Vivid equally a new penny.
Smart as a hooty owl.
No flies on my mama.
Smart every bit a whip.
Dumb
If a duck had his encephalon, it would wing due north for the winter.
He doesn't have plenty sense to spit downwind.
If he was bacon, he wouldn't even sizzle.
If brains were leather, he couldn't saddle a flea.
He carries his brains in his dorsum pocket.
Dumb as dirt.
Dumb as a box of rocks.
Dumb every bit a barrel of hair.
Impaired as a post.
Impaired every bit a carriage wheel.
Impaired as a prairie domestic dog.
Dumb as a watermelon.
He doesn't know "come up here" from "sic 'em."
He doesn't know enough to pound sand down a rat pigsty.
He can't ride and chew at the same time.
So stupid if yous put his brains in a bumblebee, information technology'd fly backwards.
If all her brains were ink, she couldn't dot an i.
If all his brains were dynamite, he couldn't blow his nose.
He don't know which end's upwardly.
He don't know a widget from a whangdoodle.
He don't know zip from null.
He don't know diddly squat.
He couldn't pour piss out of a boot with a hole in the toe and the directions on the heel.
If he had a brain, information technology'd dice of loneliness.
So thick-headed you tin can striking him in the face with a tire atomic number 26 and he won't yell till morning.
He could screw upwards an anvil.
Beat
He gave me the wire-castor treatment.
I got sandpapered.
I'll snatch you bald-headed.
I'll whip yous like a redheaded stepchild.
I'll knock you plumb into next week.
He got his tail feathers trimmed. He'south been saucered and blowed.
He certain cleaned your plow.
Unacceptable
Not what I had my face fixed for.
Like hugging a rose bush.
Naught to write home near.
That dog won't hunt.
I'd just as soon seize with teeth a bug.
I don't cotton to it.
Dislocated
Dislocated as a caprine animal on AstroTurf.
My natural language got caught in my eyeteeth and I couldn't see what I was saying.
I tin can explicate it to yous, but I tin can't understand it for you.
He ran 'em around the barn.
Cattywampus to Miss Jones's.
Immoral, Wild
They call her "radio station" because anyone can pick her upwards, especially at night.
He's wilder than a peach orchard boar.
Loose equally ashes in the current of air.
Loose as a bucket of soot.
Wilder than an acre of snakes.
She uses her canvass for a tablecloth.
He was born on the wrong side of the blanket.
She's establish a new dasher for her churn.
They ate supper before they said grace.
They planted their crop before they congenital their fence.
They're hitched merely not churched.
They've got a cotton-patch license.
Pregnant
She's got a bun in the oven.
She's sitting on the nest.
She's got ane in the chute.
She's been storked.
Citified
Raised on concrete.
Doesn't know a fleck from a butt.
You lot don't live longer in the city; it just seems that manner.
Noisy
Noisy as two skeletons dancing on a tin can roof.
Noisy as a restless mule in a tin barn.
Noisier than cats making kittens.
Noisier than a cornhusk mattress.
Louder than Granddad'southward Sunday necktie.
He called his hogs all nighttime. (Snored.)
He learned to whisper in a sawmill.
Inept, Worthless
He could autumn upwards a tree.
Couldn't ride a nightmare without falling out of bed.
He couldn't knock a hole in the wind with a sackful of hammers.
And so bad at farming he couldn't raise Cain.
He couldn't hit the flooring if he roughshod out of bed.
Handy as hip pockets on a pig.
Worthless as teats on a bull.
Worthless every bit a sidesaddle on a sow.
Non worth spit.
He couldn't organize a pissing contest in a brewery.
Useless equally two buggies in a 1-horse town.
He could screw upward a ii-machine funeral.
Tie a quarter to it and throw it abroad, and you tin can say you lost something.
He'southward got no more than chance than a June problems in the chicken coop.
He's a day belatedly and a dollar brusque.
He can't win for losing.
He'due south sucking hind teat.
I need that like a tomcat needs a trousseau.
She's itching for something she won't scratch for.
Why shut the barn door after the horses are out?
No more than proficient than an eyeless needle.
Like warming up leftover snowfall.
Similar pushing a wheelbarrow with rope handles.
Similar sugariness-talking the water out of the well.
Good, Happy
Sweeter than stolen honey.
Sweeter than baby's breath.
Sweeter than an old maid's dream.
He took to you similar a hog to persimmons.
He took to you lot like a fish to water.
Happy every bit a boardinghouse pup.
Happy every bit a clam at high tide.
Happy every bit a hog in mud.
Safe equally Granny's snuffbox.
Fair to middling.
Pert equally a cricket.
Soft as a two-minute egg.
All wool and a 1000 wide.
I'm cooking on a forepart burner today.
If I felt any better, I'd driblet my harp plumb through the cloud.
If I felt whatsoever ameliorate, I'd recall it was a setup.
Fatty and sassy.
All sweetness and light.
This is so proficient it'll brand childbirth a pleasure.
Fine as frog fur.
Fine as dollar cotton.
Fine as boomtown silk.
Fine every bit foam gravy.
The porch light is always burning.
Long equally I got a biscuit, you got half.
Distance
Downward the route a piece.
A fur piece.
Turn left by yonder.
I won't say it'southward far, just I had to grease the railroad vehicle twice before I hit the chief road.
Two hoots and a holler away.
Lazy
He hangs out more often than Mama's washing.
He'south like a blister—he doesn't show upwards till the work's all done.
Shy
Shy as a mail service-order bride.
Shy as a crocus.
Shy as sapphires.
Night
As nighttime as the within of a wolf.
Dark as coffin air.
Night as a pocket.
Night every bit a cow.
Dark every bit a blue norther.
Dark as the devil'south riding boots.
Dark as truck-stop coffee.
Handy
Handy as sliced breadstuff.
Handy as shirt pockets.
Handy every bit a latch on the outhouse door.
Scarce
Deficient as hen's teeth.
Scarce as grass around a hog trough.
Scarce as pelting barrels.
Wearisome (as a knife)
Y'all could ride all the way to Big Spring on it and never split a hair.
It wouldn't cut hot butter.
You could scratch your back with information technology and never draw claret.
Boring (boring)
Equally exciting every bit waiting for paint to dry.
Every bit exciting as a mashed-potato sandwich.
Every bit much fun as chopping wood.
Irksome as Henry's bone.
Miscellaneous
Contained as a grunter on ice.
I don't know y'all from Adam's off ox.
Thick as the dew on Dixie.
Thick as fleas on a farm domestic dog.
That's two different buckets of possums.
Things are going to hell in a handbasket.
Come hell or loftier water.
Lord willing and the creek don't ascension.
I don't care if it harelips the governor.
Serious as the business terminate of a .45.
Baptists and Johnson grass are taking over.
He'southward so irksome he could gain weight walking.
Out like Lottie's center.
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Source: https://www.texasmonthly.com/being-texan/more-colorful-texas-sayings-than-you-can-shake-a-stick-at/
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